Failure to Progress is the title of this new body of work.
It is the note that was written on my medical file as the reason I needed an emergency Cesarean section on May 31, 2021. In the height of the second wave of Covid-19 I went into labour and laboured alone for several hours in a small hospital room, before being admitted to a delivery room where my husband could finally join me. 18 hours of labour later, when my cervix “failed” to dilate to 10cm I was told my only option was a C-section. My partner would not be allowed in the operating room for the birth because I had spiked a fever. Devastated and scared, I signed the papers and Henry was born.
This work was made in the two years following Henry's birth. Making photographs has helped me process the trauma of his birth and the impact of those three little words - failure to progress. Did I fail? Did my cervix fail? Am I a failure? Making this work is an effort to reshape and reclaim my birth experience and process the negative impact this medical terminology had on my postpartum reality; a reality that has been intense, filled with physical pain, emotional exhaustion, sadness, frustration, rage, grief, and depression…all mixed with intoxicating love and ecstasy.
My daily walks with Henry in the stroller were the only thing I looked forward to in those dark, early days. I looked to my surrounding landscape to find solace, drenching myself in the warmth of the sun and the colours of June. As my body healed from birth it took on new colours, shapes, and form. It nourished Henry exclusively for 4 months. My body had never had such purpose; I became a milk machine.
In October 2021, 4 months postpartum, I completed an artist residency in Southern Ontario. Along with Henry and Justin, I spent two weeks in a yellow farmhouse on seven acres of land covered in sumac trees. There I began photographing my postpartum body, my scar, the stretch marks - this new and totally unfamiliar form I now inhabited. When I wasn't pumping or feeding Henry, I was trying to make a picture or two in the studio upstairs. The beginnings of this project was birthed there.
This work is currently in progress.
